Chocoholics Unanimous

I sat here this morning, reading this utterly foodcentric, chocolate-infested bloGG and suddenly suffered a massive insulin surge, which sent me into InstantChocolateOverdrive. I made a dash for the fridge, which took me all of 3 secs., my best personal time ever. The fridge yielded one of those monstrous half-kilo slabs of some new Swiss uber-milk chocolate layered with cream and biscuit (I know, it sounds ultrayuck&bleaagh, but believe me...it is to DIEIEIE for), which I had actually kept safe (from myself) for friends' kids who sometimes come to visit.

Considering I am usually rather fastidious in my choco-consumption habits… Lindt Extra-dark Ultra-thins get top billing...this milk-choco phenomenon is a radical departure from the norm. I contemplate the packaging at length. Since I’m working on my will power, I resist the temptation to rip the choco-wrapper open immediately. 10 seconds later, I give up the unequal fight and enter into the sacred ritual of ripping open the box-pack. Then I attempt to sensibly tear open the foil pack, so I can fold the foil neatly over the remainder of the slab before putting it away. Instead, the struggle is so intense, I end up with a mangled mass of melted chocolate (body heat from hot, grasping hands will do that), with bits of foil embedded in it.

They make high-tech packaging these days: tamper-proof, nuke-proof and insect-proof, which of course also happens to make it human-proof. (At this point, I bodily attack and consume a quarter-slab of aforementioned hapless chocolate. Just like that. Gone!)

If you persist in ripping ANY kind of modern-day food packs open with bare hands, as I usually do, for no reason other than rooting around for a switchblade or a heavy duty meat cleaver (I don't do scissors) would simply deflect me from my immediate purpose... well then you know exactly how this little saga plays out. (By now of course, I have devoured half of the half-kilo slab of choc in question. But shhhh...)

First, you need to rip open the external packaging, generally a box or carton of some sort. And no, it’s not that simple. Any and all food/drink/snacks these days come either tetra-packed, or vacuum-sealed, or hermetically deranged, and all of them wear chastity belts. Some stuff comes boxed in cartons that are reinforced with plastic fused onto them or into them. Plastic, as you know, is indestructible and resistant to barehanded tearing. (I know ALL about this; I’ve dismembered about 98,753 varieties of packaging to research this piece. All in the last one week. Burp.) I think this is the packaging industry's subtle way of keeping us away from junk food. Either that, or they're in cahoots with the household cleaning-liquid manufacturers.(Ahh, only two squares left, not much point saving them for later...)

While all this fancy-schmancy packaging material might keep things hygenic, fresh and safe to consume, it just makes it pretty damn impossible to rip packs open without spraying/spilling/slopping approximately 3/4ths of the contents into your lap/onto the rug/all over the bed. (Messy, messy. Now GO clean that up!) Ahh, but we consumers are wise to this little trick by now, which is why we buy 6 bags of crisps and 10 bags of cornflakes and etc. etc. a week. So no matter how much of it lands on the floor, there's always another bag to to rip open. (You know why more cornflakes get deposited on the floor than any other food group? People are still SLEEPY when they do breakfast!) ZzZzZzZz...

And, hey!!! Who finished my chocolate??!